EAT THIS CANDY, GO STRAIGHT TO HELL
by Skip Bobston, Sr.

Ah, springtime. That wonderful season of renewal, when the birds chirp praises to the creator and the frost recedes from the sidewalks like the waters of the great flood. The time when we stop concealing the female form with long, winter cloaks in order to begin concealing it with billowing, springtime windbreakers. As the children prepare to end their secular home schooling semester, there is a gleam in their bright blue eyes as they recite in unison "Oh parents! Shall we be celebrating Easter like our good neighbors The Joneses this year?"

If you're a fundamentalist Christian with a limited grasp of modern science like myself, you also refuse to celebrate the pagan ritual of Easter. It is well documented that the roots of this holiday are based in an ancient fertility rite commemorating the Chaldean goddess Astarte, and those that observe it are worshippers of the male genetalia. It is also well documented that The Joneses are Hitler loving harlots bound for the eternal hellfire of Gehenna - despite how superior their lawn decorations may be, and whether or not they have a writeup every year in the Home and Garden section of the Gazette.

Now, when your numerous children, ages 3-17, ask if they may retrieve the television from the closet shelf and watch the Bob Hope Easter Special, do not immediately remove your belt in heated anger at their insolence. Instead, take this as an opportunity for teaching them the truth about Easter. Kindly explain to them that sexual pleasure is a tool of the devil, and those that desire to feel the soft, warm flesh of the opposite sex are posessed by a demon spirit and must be cast be into the ocean like bedeviled wild boars. It is this sort of compassion and understanding that makes the difference between a house and a home.

Easter's modern symbols are no less sinful than it's penile statues of yesteryear. The bunny rabbit, although not a direct symbol of fertility, is a reference to the Beatrix Potter tales in which "Saint" Peter Rabbit steals vegetables (pollenation) from Mister McGregor's garden (Eden), in an effort to portray our Lord and Savior as a burnished and homosexual Scottish farmer. Just the sort of sweetmeat Satan uses to lure unsuspecting children into his fold.

Of course, there are some common rituals of Easter which are perfectly fine for Christians. For example, the practice of refusing to celebrate pagan Easter lest you be cast to the foul pit of Hades, and, of course - candy! Delicious, non-satanic candy such as mellowcremes, molasses phosphates, and yummy sour clove balls. Good, harmless Christian candy, unlike hollow negro rabbits and most of all - the diabolical Cadbury Creme Egg!

Yes, the simple joy of a Cadbury Creme Egg. Sweet, chocolatey, and as innocent as a newly baptised white male child. Or is it? Let's check the nutritional information, shall we? It says here:

163 calories
8g. of fat
Infinity mg. of placing the mark of the beast upon your forehead!

Okay, that last one is not actually written on the label, but it's implied.

So I guess you could consider this a harmless dessert, that is, if you also flavor your popcorn with chunks of Lot's wife. You heard me, pagan! Do the math and divide your sums. Guess what equals negative zero today? That's right, King Herod, it's your Easter candy.

Why, these candies are nothing more than snacktime to the reptile who can swallow an egg whole simply by dislocating his jaw and undulating his gullet. Eat one of these and you might as well sit down at a table to hear the words "Ladies and Gentleman, my name is Satan the Devil and I will be your waiter for this evening."

Speaking of the ladies, let me just take this moment to address any Jews out there. Hello there Jews! Ring Ring, it's Jesus, why won't you *69 him? What's the deal, Jews? Frankly, I don't get you people. Wake up and smell the pork that the lord has subjugated unto us!

Back to snakes. As we have seen in my previous paragraphs, the serpent is wiley and, on occasion, has been seen to consume eggs. Here is a short list of other ungodly people who have also been known to consume eggs:

Gang Members
Women who Lie with women
Heroin Salesmen
Modern Primitives
Brides of Satan
Medical Doctors
Pet Psychics
Everyone in the Cast of Harry Potter
Death Metal Roadies
Pregnant Furries Fetishists
Ghandi

Although the list of deviants speaks for itself, I feel it would be helpful to further illustrate my point through a skit I recently penned for a youth retreat I was overseeing at "Camp Salvation", which is in my own backyard. It is entitled:

SATAN IN A FOIL WRAPPING
written by Skip Bobston, Sr. and edited for grammar by Skip Bobston, Jr.

Stay At Home Mother: (washing dishes) Oh, that will surely be the day, when my husband will help me out with the washing of our dishes!

Male Head of Household, Husband: Dream on honey, now I am going to watch a sports game.

Stay At Home Mother: Oh, you!

The husband and the wife shake hands. There is a knock at the door.

Stay At Home Mother: Who could that be?

Man at Door: Let me into your home!

Stay At Home Mother: Alright! Alright! Hold your horses while I am coming.

Man at Door: I cannot and will not hold horses!

Stay At Home Mother: (opening the door) Hello. Who are you?

There stands a man, dressed all in black, with an Easter basket.

Man at Door: I have come bringing you gifts for Easter.

Stay At Home Mother: I am afraid there is some mistake. We do not worship that holiday because we know the roots of Easter are that of the pagan Chaldeans.

Man at Door: And so do I.

Stay At Home Mother: You DO??

Man at Door: Well of course I do! That is why I am here and I am walking into your house now.

Stay At Home Mother: You should leave because I did not invite you in. Your manners are that of a Mexican.

Man at Door: Oh but you did invite me in, although you did not know it.

Stay At Home Mother: I DID? But HOW?!?

Man at Door: Do you mind if I look in your cupboards, Mrs...?

Stay At Home Mother: Mrs. Bob Smith.

Man at Door: Do you mind if I look in your cupboards, Mrs. Bob Smith?

Stay At Home Mother: Well, I suppose not, but what is all this about then?

Man begins rooting through their cupboards and throwing boxes of cereal around the room.

Male Head of Household, Husband: Honey, who is this strange person? Sir! Stop throwing around our organic cereals and making a mess for my wife to clean up later!

Man at Door: (holding up a Creme Egg) A-HA! I knew I would find this here.

Male Head of Household, Husband: What are you talking about, sir, and quite frankly I am confused. Also put back that Cadbury Egg!

Man at Door: Well now, you have just addressed me by name!

Male Head of Household, Husband: What? But I do not even know your name!

Man at Door: I am Cadbury Egg. Also known as Satan destroyer of worlds, Beelzebub, or just appearing in the form of a face in a mushroom cloud over the Middle East.

Stay At Home Mother: Oh no! I opened the door of my heart to the devil! I thought it was harmless candy!

Man at Door: Harmless? Hardly! But I can see that you are wearing the Armor of God, so I will not be staying long. But now you know just how easy it is to let Satan into your home uninvited.

Stay At Home Mother: But I thought you said that we invited you?

Man at Door: Yes. I did. I mean, you did. Well, unintentionally invited, I meant. I... Do not confuse me with your semantics! I am leaving! Goodbye!

Stay At Home Mother: Thank goodness for Satan. Now we know not to buy that candy anymore!

Male Head of Household, Husband: Even if it's on sale?

Stay At Home Mother: You know the only thing I ever buy on sale are pairs of shoes.

Male Head of Household, Husband: Boy do I ever!

Stay At Home Mother: Let us pray.

Hands down, that sketch was the highlight of last week's retreat! Even "Sullen Samuel", the elder's nephew had to crack a smile when Satan started causing a ruckus in the pantry. After the performance we all sat on the back deck, where, between bites of carob-stuffed dates and sips of iced Tigers Milk, the children expressed some concerns to me. For example, what will happen to their friends at school when Armageddon cleanses the earth of all the wicked, including those that eat Cadbury Eggs? Not to worry, I assured them, God will make you brand new friends, just like he formed Adam from the dust of the earth. Highlight of my weekend: Jebadiah then says to me, "But what if God uses the sand from my sandbox? My dog Pickles pees in there!" "Jebediah," I giggled, "then your friend will be gay, and God will just have to destroy him and start all over again." Boy oh boy, out of the mouths of babes!

So to you God-fearing Christians I say, avoid the trappings of pagan Easter and it's celebration of sex for enjoyment purposes. Do not look back in regret for the gooey chocolate of sin you leave behind. Instead look upwards towards the heavens, where Christ awaits you with arms of honey-sweetened lamb fat. If it was good enough for Azariah the son of Ethan, son of Eloihim, son of Hanan, son of Ham, then, by Shirley, it's good enough for me!